An Old Diary Entry




I was a smart kid and being home-schooled allowed me ample time to

research health, diet, healing and so I started fifteen years or so

ago, I am a skeptic always have been one I won't can't believe it

till I try it and it either works or fails. I am scientific and

esoteric when it comes to healing and health I firmly believe in both

the scientific approach as well as the esoteric and using them

together. I read everything in every magazine every book I could get

my hands on and I tried diet after diet after diet, I tried them all

and eventually will go into my experience with all of them but will

save that for later. I would often see results for a week or so, but

it wouldn't last, I would gain weight, I would break out, I would

feel fatigued depressed and moody. At 15 I started to model with

agencies and of course as they always do I was told to lose five

pounds and I wanted to model and sing and get out of my small town

so I made a vow to do whatever it took.

All of the sudden being beautiful and thin was more important then

being healthy, and what I did was the worst thing you can ever do, I

starved, I was bulimic, I used things to make my hunger

go away, I ran for an hour a day, I was obsessive and completely

unhealthy. I would eat but sometimes I felt I ate too much so I would

either run for hours or go visit the gods in the bathroom either way

I was completely messing up my body and I was skinny but my head

my face and I was a mess. I ran away from home at 17 and was on

my own,

I was modeling and promoting to eat so I went to castings during the

day or did shoots then was out all night in the scene. By the time I

was 17 I was on my own my own home, car, and was out every

night, but

I was lonely scared and insecure and so I wanted to escape, to connect,

to expand.

At a photo shoot I was drugged and

raped along with another model, this spent me spinning deeper into

the dark, I couldn't talk about it, I was afraid to talk about it and

so I buried it with the help of even more partying and drinking. I was

smart and continued to model and work even while under the

influence. I was burning the candle at both

ends and was bent on destruction. I had more then a few traumas and

was a kid in a adult world with adult toys.

It got really bad, so bad my best friend stopped talking to me, then I isolated and realized all my friends at the clubs in the industry didn't seem to care or miss me, then I

felt I was even more alone. I escaped into the rave scene, left the fashion one, spent all night out doing whatever I could to escape my reality.

I stayed up for days, not eating, partying, drinking, life became fragmented blurred but yet I was still alive.

Then I wanted out and so I started doing things to escape attempting to snap the wire, one night I made a deadly mixture, and decided to take it all at once.

There is thing called DMT it is the chemical released in your brain when you're born, die and or have near death experiences.

Now I understand what happened, I was

one a crazy trip and then all of the sudden the walls melted reality shifted and then I was gone. I remember leaving and coming back and the in between was like a

waiting room, I was only given one message... " you're not done yet" I woke up two days later I am alive because one of my friends came to see me

and found me not breathing, not moving, well you know dead. He was an ER and was able to get my heart beating and me breathing, but then I was in a coma for two days. I was underage and no one wanted to explain anything so no one took me to the hospital. When I opened my eyes I didn't know who I was or where I was I couldn't feel my body then I felt something pierce the top of my head and energy came back like something was breathing life back into me. It took awhile to

remember me, but it eventually came back, I knew I wasn't going to

die and the experience was enough to change my perspective on reality

on life on death on everything.

Afterwards I had trouble.

I had taken accutane which it says do not take with alcohol I had ignored it I woke up one day soon after covered in bruises even though I had cut my partying and drinking back, I went home and asked my mother to take me to the doctor I was afraid. They told me my liver was severely damaged and that it could heal but it would take time and I had to stop. So I moved deleted my number and went back to focusing on music and modeling at this time I was 18 I could leave for New York so I set a new goal. Move to New York, I knew going there would require me to be alive and kicking so I returned to focusing on trying to be healthy and heal myself, even if my death wish wasn't gone yet completely I decided if I am going to be here I may as well make the use of it.

I read tons of books, started using herbs to help with my brain and

body to help it recover from what I did to it, I didn't have health

insurance and I was alone and so I became my own doctor which is the

best thing you can ever do. I started working with my energy,

meditation, herbs, and food as medicine. I became a vegetarian first

mainly because once I was rewired I discovered I was just super

sensitive and many of my walls came from living in a way which was

not natural for me.

When in Miami working with an agency someone gave me the book "Fit For Life", which opened my eyes even more and I started following it

and found myself feeling much better and healthier.

Then in Milan I remained a vegan I lived off fruit veggies and spirutien and tofu, I was the typical new vegan lots and lots of soy and tofu in Milan I got

really skinny mainly because all of the sudden I was healthy and I walked all day everyday and the food is so much better in Europe. Then when I returned I

started noticing these people who looked amazing and were old and I started asking and found out they were raw foods so then I started studying and

became a raw foodist.I did that for years sometimes I would alter my diet slightly because

someone said I should so I would try it always returning to being a raw food vegan because it made me feel good. I started working with food, herbs, and plants to heal my mind body and soul, as well as meditation, yoga, earth, air and movement. I have healed my mind, my liver is as good as new, I am never fat but stay at a healthy weight, my skin is flawless, I have tons of energy, lots of creativity, a healthy sex drive, and now am working on fine tuning the details. I have helped others over the years and although raw food works amazing for me I am not religious about it, if I am in third world country where its hard to get raw food I may eat slightly steamed veggies, I eat miso soup ( not cooked but warm ) etc I eat warm food, but its still raw in other words its not dead its still alive.

Maybe I should call myself a living foodist, I try to eat food which is as fresh, pure, organic, free of chemicals, unprocessed etc, I use herbs in liquid or dry form, I use all natural products on my hair, skin and homeand moving towards wearing and sleeping in all natural Fabrics.

Many people say being raw is not natural, the problem is our world is no longer natural and one of the reasons so many of us are sick, fat, depressed, don'tfeel good and have bad skin is because the world is not natural, what we eat is not natural, we breathe in toxins, we drink toxins, we think toxic, and then ifwe wear and eat toxins eventually your body will breakdown like mine did. My body breakdown because it couldn't handle it and what happened to me wasextreme fast and hard but it no different then what happens to many of us over years. We keep filling ourselves with toxins, jet fuel, chemicals, hormones,prescriptions, and eventually our bodies can't take it and we breakdown on a cellular level, we get cancer, we get sick, we get fat, obese, diseased, diabetes.

I don't want to live like that and so I have spent lots and lots of time trying to figure out how to counteract the side effects of living in a completely world we have been trashing for a long time forgetting the worlds water is our drinking water the worlds earth is where we get our food and the worlds lungs are ours. So next time your going to flush the toilet full of chemicals, next time your going to use chemicals to clean the kitchen remember your going to drink that because our government doesn't have the time or money or capacity to remove everything from our water so what we put out we are taking back into our bodies. We all have a choice we can fight for our lives and live well and help heal ourselves each other and through that the world or we can just try to cover up the symptoms and put Band-Aids on our wounds which can't heal unless we give them what they need to heal.

We were not made to run of waste, chemicals, pollution, chemicals, dyes, sugar and fat, even if your not going vegan, animals 2,000 years ago were eating grass from soil which still had minerals in it, not locked in a cage pumped full of hormones feed soy from china and then slaughtered. In order to heal and recover we must start with understanding what's going on, for many of us never even read a label much less go to a farmers market and ask the farmers questions. We just shove it in our mouths and then when we are 40-50 and breaking down we wonder why and what went wrong. Our bodies and the plant

have alot in common and in order to understand one we must understand the other. Nature has a perfect balance, and when we are in balance with nature we

will be balanced but we have forgotten about nature, about balance, about ourselves and have become digital icons with our digital lives in our virtual world.

Most of us spend most of our free time on a box looking at boxes and so I hope I can reach you through this box for the box has a purpose just don't let it eat you alive. I am the healthiest person I know, I wasn't before, and I am still learning and growing, but I want to share what I have learned I have to for I don't believe we have to let it all breakdown, and I believe deep inside we all want to be happy, at peace, and live on a planet without mass killing, starvation, war and sadness. I feel if we want to see a better world we must start making the changes each day with every choice.

I feel guilty now when I use a cup, when I can't recycle something, when I forget my cloth bags, when I am not eating local, but thats a good thing, its good to be aware of how we are helping or healing ourselves and our world. I am going to share what I learned and what I am learning that is all I can do, and I hope today you will think about two things, the first is your connection between you and your own body, its easy to be disconnected from our bodies and not to be in tune with it bodies talk you just have to listen. Illness usually comes from not listening to what our bodies need. Become your own doctor, your own healer, and then as you heal yourself you will be able to extend that outward into the world into your loved ones into your dreams. Seek the truth, not the advertisers, they will lie to you to sell things, know your sources,know whats inside what your cleaning, eating, and putting on your body. Investing in your body and your health is the wisest investment you could makethese days.

Next time I write I will write about transitions how to get started transitioning, or shifting, how to get your life back. Its yours for the taking, and if I can heal myself well there is hope for us all because I was beyond broken and gone. This isn't just about being raw its about living and being alive, its about living the best life possible, its about being aware . I have always had a fascination with healing and even considered being a doctor when I was younger, now I would say I can relate more to a medicine man or witch doctor or the others that you hear tales of who recommend one part this plant with one part sunshine. For I believe now all of our cures can be found in nature its just a matter or looking and using them.

I hope you enjoyed getting to know me a little bit you can listen to my music here:

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